Paul Bonney

Paul Bonney - Observations in the wild

"That's piss funny that......"

I have been studying the subject since his release back into the wild on the 21st Jan 2011 and have so far gathered the following data. I am yet to draw any precice conclusions but hopefully the following information should give some insight into the man/monkey/chimp/ape that is Paul Bonney.


Born : Salford zoo

Favourite Food : Bananas

Language Skills : Rudementary

Special Talent : Hitting and kicking things


Height : 3'2"

Weight 4 Stone (1 of which is hair)

Facts About Paul Bonney

  • He thinks all films are true stories
  • He likes to wear black socks in bed
  • He can’t eat butter, but cheese, cream and other dairy are fine as well as croissants and other butter containing foods
  • He only has a beard to get served alcohol
  • He is the 3rd fittest man in the world, after Tom Cruse and Sting
  • His hair is receding but he brushes it forward so no one will notice
  • He is not 100% human, and in fact mostly just a strategically shaved monkey
  • His hat once had to be surgically removed due to trench hat
  • His snoring is so loud that he is technically illegal in Switzerland due to noise limitations
  • He has tourettes, but you only notice it in outbursts while he is asleep, the rest of the time it goes unnoticed due to his accent and heritage.
  • Give him a box or a bag and he will poo

Sayings & Quotations

Piss funny, belter, you twat, dickhead, ya gay, nob ed, u slag, bunch of c**ts, prick, me leg 'urts

Bonney > English Dictionary

  • Av = Have
  • Ya = You
  • Avin = Having
  • Fone = Phone
  • Aint = Have not
  • Yas = All of you
  • 2Moz = Tomorrow
  • Nob ed = A man with a penis on his head
  • Bender/Queer/Twat = A close friend